The Adventures of Link and Ruto
by Aurora Lynn Rose
Summary: Two Hylians who were DEFINITELY not meant for each other! What happens when Cupid doesn't make a perfect bull's eye...


A/N Don't take seriously!  
  
One day Link, Hero of Time was in his house knitting. He had all the windows and doors shut so no one could see him. He was preparing for the Ice Cavern . He wished he had invisible yarn, he didn't really understand the directions. Link was about to leave when the mail fairy came. Oh boy! Link thought, I got a letter! He read the return adress. Oh no, he thought, it's from Ruto.   
Dear Fiancee,  
I KNOW you are coming to Zora's Domain, so hurry up! Don't be late! We have wedding plans to make! I'm SO excited but I can't decide between May or June. If you're a man, act like one! Take responsibility! Tie your shoe! Have a cow! Love and fishes xoxoxoxoxo, Ruto  
As soon as Link read the letter he put it in a pile of wood with the sweater. He lit a match and watched as they both burned. There was no way he was going to see Ruto. Navi thought differently.  
"HEY!" she squeaked, "You have to get moving! Go to Zora's domain!"  
"Oh shut up Navi. You are always breathing down my neck, so didn't you see that letter? I'm going to hide at Lon Lon ranch." So Link packed his overnight bag, making sure he remembered his teddy, and set off towards Lon Lon. He checked into his usual hotel room and started settling in. Then came a knock at the door.  
"Ingo, go see who it is." ordered Link, rocking Teddy. "OK Link sir! I will open the door! I love working here! It is so fun! I-"  
"INGO JUST SHUT UP AND OPEN THE DOOR!!!!" Link shouted. Ingo did as he was told. "Well, there is a big blue head with too many blue eyes!" reported Ingo cheerfully.   
"Um, excuse me." Link said. He shut the door to his room carefully and started screaming some bad words and chopping up everything with his sword. He collected 11 rupees in the process. Two minutes later, Link came out wearing a pair of very dark glasses. "Come iiiinnn deary!" he called. Ruto walked in carrying some suitcases.   
"Hello, Link my little sweetie poopoo! You didn't come home to Zora's Domain so I went looking- Link! Why are you wearing those silly glasses?"  
"Er, um, new Sheikah fashion?" he muttered.   
"But can't you see?" asked Ruto.  
"Of course I can sweetie! Why would I wear them if I couldn't see- OW OOH EE AHH YOW OOF AHH!"   
Link had fallen down the stairs because he couldn't see. He stood up and straightened his tunic. "Um, gee, guess I slipped or somethin'."  
"You know, Link, it would be a shame if you broke your neck, then I might not be able to marry you!" chuckled Ruto. "Aw darn," Link said, immediately trying to break his neck by banging his head against the wall. "Stop this instant! You're embarrassing me!" "No." "Link do you want me to hurt you?" Ruto growled. Link took off the glasses, revealing another pair underneath. He took off each pair one by one until 17 pairs were scattered around the floor. Later Ingo gladly picked them up.  
"Now to business, honeypie. I came here so I could travel with you. I'm sick of being home alone! Your dinner that I work so hard to make always gets cold! I brought all of last month's with me." She opened the suitcase and dumped out a LOT of raw fish.  
"Oh what I've missed over the last month. Now tell me, why do you eat fish if you are a fish?" Link questioned sarcastically. Ruto ignored him. "Come ON Link, let's GO!" she demanded.  
"Um sure... where we goin?" asked the lost hero.  
"I don't know! You're the hero!" Ruto snapped.  
"Geez, WHAT is your problem?!?! Er, umm..." Link faltered at Ruto's icy stare. "What I MEANT to say, SWEETHEART, is why don't we go to Lake Hylia?" "Too wet, I'll drown!" "But, um, you--" "Yeah yeah well I don't like getting my fins wet OK??"  
So there was the problem of deciding where to go. Gerudo Desert was too hot and dry. Kakariko village was too crowded. Death mountain was too hot and anyway Gorons are too stupid. The forest was too confusing. Lon Lon was where they were, and Zora's domain was where Ruto lived so of course they couldn't go there! Hyrule field wasn't very exciting, and there was no way to drag Ruto into any of the temples. Link finally got impatient.  
"Well then we can't go anywhere if you don't want to go anywhere in Hyrule! Or do you have any suggestions?" he said.  
"I once heard about a magical realm called the mall, where there are many shops all in one building!" Ruto exclaimed.  
Link did some quick thinking. Shops, eh? "Alright Ruto, we'll go to this Mall of yours. But the only way to get there is by playing the Rhapsody of Shopping." Ruto nodded in fascination. Link started playing some random notes on his Ocarina. Suddenly, he felt a tug and BAM! He was at the mall. Wow, thought the puzzled Link, I just made that up! Link looked around and another brilliant idea came to his mind. He shared it with Ruto. "OK, I have an idea! We can split up, right, and buy a gift for each other. In an hour we'll meet outside to exchange gifts." Ruto squealed with glee (Link covered his ears) and ran off. Link had to stop himself from jumping for joy. He went to the jewelry shop and sold his ruppees for a million dollars each because the guy thought that they were diamonds. He then went to JCPenney's and bought a bagful of womens clothing. He stopped at the food court for an ice cream. Wow, this stuff is great! he thought, licking his lips. I can't believe I've never tasted it before. A group of girls walked in, saw Link, and started giggling. They chose a table right next to him and kept on staring at him. Geez, haven't these girls ever seen a human before? Link thought, annoyed. Then the girls kept on saying "hi" to him and bursting into giggles. Ok these people are really freaking me out, I'd better go meet Ruto,. he thought. So Link fought his way out of the mall. Outside he met Ruto, who practically tore open the bag before pulling out a long dress.  
"What's this? A carpet for our house of dreams? Oh Link you are so sweet!"   
"It's called a dress. You put it on your body so you don't walk around nude all day."  
"And what's wrong with that?" Ruto said, defending herself. Link went tomato-faced and explained that going around nude all day "just wasn't right", and dresses made people more attractive to look at. "Oh, I see," Ruto pondered. "Why don't you ever wear dresses, Link?" Link then started turning shades of purple and informed her that dresses were for girls and women only. "Prove it." commanded the ever-bossy princess. This time Link lost it.  
"RUTO JUST PUT ON THE @#$%& CLOTHES!" he shouted, getting a disapproving look from a lady crossing the street. Ruto huffily entered the mall to go to the changing room, tossing him a bag of Swedish Fish. I just don't get it, is she encouraging cannibolism? He then wrote her a note that went as follows:  
"Dear" Ruto,   
I CAN'T MARRY YOU! YOU DRIVE ME MENTAL! Thanks for the candy, it's pretty good. You can have this one.  
-Link  
P.S. PLEASE keep and use the gifts I gave you, you disgusting freak!   
  
He attached the note to the shopping bag and warped back to Hyrule. After all, he couldn't be late for his date with Zelda.  
THE END  
Note: This story is mental. I don't know WHAT I was on when I wrote this, and I apologize if you actually took this seriously. =-D   



End file.
